agnieszka biskup — writer & editor

You may think you like Chihuahuas dressed up in tiny outfits with matching shoes, but maybe, unconsciously, you really don’t. Maybe you hate all rhinestone-bedecked little dogs without knowing it. Thankfully, a researcher who just happens to be a large, working dog himself has come up with a test that can help reveal such hidden prejudices. Eminent psychologist Cosmo A. Mastiff, Ph.D. (Dog of Philosophy), of the Kennelfornia Institute of Technology at St. Bernardino, has been kind enough to give us his M.U.T.* test for measuring unconscious biases toward pampered, tea-cup-sized canines. To make your results more accurate, Dr. Mastiff suggests you go with your first gut response, without spending too much time on any question.
* Mastiff Unconscious Tendency

1. What word or words best describes your emotion upon seeing this photo? (Choose one.)
a) Pride.
b) Ecstasy.
c) A Desire to Be a Better Dog.
d) Sheer, Unmitigated Awe.
e) OK, I guess, if you prefer brawn over brains — and fashion-sense. Sniff!

2. What word or words best describes your emotion upon seeing this photo?
a) Deep Embarrassment for All Dogs on the Entire Planet.
b) A Fear that Strikes Directly into One’s Soul.
c) The Horror, The Horror!
d) A Strange, Disturbing Fascination that Must Be Fought with All One’s Might.
e) Awww, the adorable widdle sweetums!

3. What is happening in this photo?
a) The dog, using his excellent grasp of physics, is analyzing the ball’s trajectory to make the perfect catch.
b) The dog, using his excellent grasp of psychology, is strengthening the canine-human bond by engaging in social activity with the child.
c) The dog, using his excellent grasp of human kinesiology, is helping the child exercise its biceps and triceps muscles.
d) The dog, using his excellent grasp of canine physiology, is making sure to get a good cardiovascular workout to strengthen his heart and lungs.
e) No, no, no — this is completely backwards! The human fetches the toy for his or her tiny canine overlord!

4. What is happening in this photo?
a) I can’t look — a dog in a designer purse is just wrong!
b) Two-Legs Carry Four-Legs? Does Not Compute.
c) A Canine Humiliation of Epic Proportions.
d) Behold! The Eville That Dare Not Yip Its Name.
e) A Doggie Pasha is being carried in his luxurious, royal litter by his fawning human slave.

5. What would be a good name for a devoted animal companion?
a) Cosmo A. Mastiff.
b) Fido.
c) Rover.
d) Lassie.
e) Tricky Woo, Emperor of All That’s Wuvable Island.

6. If you could be any dog breed, what would it be, and what profession?
a) An Eminent Mastiff Psychologist.
b) A Brave St. Bernard Alps Rescue Worker.
c) A Dedicated German Shepherd Guide Dog.
d) A Dutiful Labrador Retriever Bomb-Sniffing Dog.
e) A Spoiled-Rotten Yorkshire Terrier Fashion Accessory.

Now score your answers.
Mostly a’s, b’s, c’s, or d’s: You have no unconscious biases against small, pampered dogs.
Mostly e’s: What’s wrong with you? Are you a normal, healthy dog or what? Take the test again and this time, THINK about your answers instead of your rubber pork chop, you disgrace to working canines everywhere!

This article appeared in the March 2006 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

With the amazing discovery of what may be a brand new member of the human family tree (see “Who Was Flo?” on page 8), scientists are beginning to wonder if there are other humanlike species left to uncover. Perhaps there’s even the remote possibility that some of them still exist in an uncharted part of the world, helping give rise to legends of Bigfoot and other fantastic creatures. To help scientists prove the existence of such rare species, we’ve come up with a field guide to make them easier to recognize.

WIZARD Homo gandalfus
Height 1.8 meters Weight 90 kilograms
Tall and lanky, the long pointed skull (commonly concealed by a long pointed hat) is a distinguishing field mark. Look for long robes and gnarled hands holding carved wooden staffs. Both females and males of the species may sport luxuriously flowing white beards.
Similar species: Homo sarumanus has darker and bushier eye tufts.
Voice: Commanding, Shakespearean.
Range: Middle-Earth, Valinor.
Habitat: Marshes, caves, forests, mountains, the Prancing Pony.

KING KONG Homo kongiensis
Height 15 meters Weight 1000 kilograms
Our only known ginormous gorilla. Dark fur, brown eyes. Excellent climber, extremely powerful. Often seen with airplanes and/or blondes in hands. Giant size is the best distinguishing field mark. Females are rarely seen, but must exist: see Son of Kong.
Similar species: Gorillas are much, much, much smaller.
Voice: Grunts, moans. bellows of rage, often accompanied by frequent chest thumpings.
Range: Skull Island, New York City.
Habitat: Jungle forests, Empire State Buildings, film stages in New Zealand.

BIGFOOT Homo sasquatchus
Height 2.5 meters Weight 200 kilograms
Secretive and shy, but will occasionally pose for blurry photographs and out-of-focus films. Quite tall and very hairy, rather apelike in appearance. Note extraordinarily large humanlike feet. Enjoys leaving footprints in mud for others to see.
Similar species: Homo yetiensis lives in the Himalayas. Wookiees do not exist.
Voice: High-pitched shrieks and whistles, low-pitched grunts.
Range: North America.
Habitat: Forests, mountains, swamps, tabloid newspapers.

FAUN Homo tumnus
Height 1.4 meters Weight 60 kilograms
Small and active, the common faun enjoys carrying parcels and umbrellas, dancing, and talking to Daughters of Eve in forests. Note the two small horns that grow on each side of its forehead. Using a high-powered spotting scope, you should be able to distinguish the creature’s glossy fur-coated goat legs, cloven hoofs, and tail. The female of the species has yet to be confirmed to exist, which is why all fauns are commonly referred to as Mister. (See Mr. Tumnus.)
Similar species: Homo minotaurus has a bull’s head and a man’s body. Homo mermaidiensis has a fish tail instead of human legs. If the specimen is goat from the waist up and goat from the waist down, it is not a faun, but a Goat.
Voice: Tendency to speak in Capital Letters.
Range: Narnia.
Habitat: Meadows, forest glades, Dancing Lawn, tidy, well-furnished bachelor caves.

VAMPIRE Homo draculus
Height 2 meters Weight 80 kilograms
Chiefly nocturnal, a blood-sucking hominid. Note the large fangs. Males and females are commonly thin and pale-skinned, prone to wearing evening dress. Vampires are shape shifters, and can take on the form of a bat, where their flight is erratic, similar to a toy being bounced on a string. Allergic to sunlight, garlic, and wooden stakes.
Similar species: Homo gothickidus is unable to shape shift.
Voice: Hypnotic, heavily accented. Common vocalizations include: Ivantodreenkyourblood! Leestentothecheeldrenofthenight! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! And similar.
Range: Worldwide, but thought to originate from Transylvania.
Habitat: Castles, ruined abbeys, creepy underground tombs, bad midnight movies.

This article appeared in the February 2006 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

Do you have what it takes to be a savvy un-naturalist, someone who knows what all the technological bric-a-brac and industrial structures around us are, what they’re for, and why they’re there? Take this short quiz and find out exactly how un-natural you are and whether you’d be a good guide in the urban-industrial landscape.
Choose only one answer per question, please.

1. When I take a walk in the woods, I:
a) breathe in the clean, fresh scent of the trees and scan the sky for birds.
b) breathe in the clean, fresh scent of the trees and scan the sky for utility poles.
c) breathe in the clean, fresh scent of the trees and scan the sky for the grim, winged, and fanged followers of Morgauth-Kul.
d) breathe in the clean, fresh scent of the trees and scan the sky for . . . I don’t know.

2. When I’m in the car with my parental guardian, I:
a) twiddle with the radio dial until I get the weather report.
b) twiddle with the radio dial until I fine-tune the reception to intercept the weather report from Uzbekistan.
c) twiddle with the radio dial until I get the hisses and static that are the weather report from the Unnamed Lands Which Must Not Be Named.
d) twiddle with the radio dial until I get a station I like and then . . . I don’t know.

3. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is:
a) feed my cats, dogs, birds, bunnies, and hamsters.
b) charge my collection of electronic gadgets.
c) commune with my intelligent and telepathically linked dragons.
d) open my eyes and . . . I don’t know.

4. At school,my favorite subject is:
a) biology.
b) structural engineering.
c) necromoniconology.
d) I don’t know-ology.

5. My favorite book is:
a) A Field Guide to the Mammals of North America.
b) A Field Guide to the Industrial Landscape.
c) A Field Guide to the Were-Folk of Mordor.
d) A Field Guide to I Don’t Know.

6. When I’m lost, I:
a) carefully study the moss on tree trunks, knowing the moss is thicker on the north side.
b) carefully study the arrangement of satellite dishes, which generally point south in the Northern Hemisphere.
c) carefully study my grimoire for the spell that Lights the True Pathe Under Thy Feete.
d) ask for directions, get a map . . . I don’t know.

7. Imagine a perfect day. Would it include:
a) no homework, copious sunshine, fragrant flowers, and colorful butterflies?
b) no homework, copious sunshine, gleaming cellular telephone towers, and hissing power lines?
c) no homework and copious sunshine, which is anathema to all members of the Living Dead?
d) no homework, and not being asked stupid questions? . . . I don’t know.

Now check your answers.
Mostly a’s: Your answers suggest you may be a naturalist at heart, more fond of plants and animals than sludge digesters and electrical transformers. But don’t despair: you, too, can become more at home in the urban-industrial landscape. A good first step would be to adopt a guardrail. It might also help to start thinking of the warm and fuzzy side of a microwave tower.
Mostly b’s: Your answers suggest you may indeed be a natural-born un-naturalist, truly at home in the urban-industrial landscape. Congratulations!
Mostly c’s: Your answers suggest you may be a supernaturalist. Surely there must be some mundane Transformation Towers or unmagical Lines of Power in the far distant lands you inhabit?
Mostly d’s: Your answers suggest you may be a smart aleck. When you do know something, give us a call.

This article appeared in the January 2006 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

October 14, 2005
The catfish has landed!
OK, OK, I know what everybody says, that you start a blog and then all you end up blogging about is your pet, but I gotta tell ya, I just got the coolest catfish! He smells all clean and fishy and he’s got the cutest whiskers — they tickle! I think I’m going to name him El Gordito, because he’s such a little butterball!
much, much more after the jump
posted by bcavefish at 7:05 pm comments (0) trackback (0)

October 10, 2005
I hate Heather!
I hate Heather. I never thought I’d say it, but I so hate her. She is a fake friend, a phoney, and a poseur. We were best friends, swimming in the same cave, going to the same school. When I started dating Derek, she acted like she was all happy and stuff. She said how he was so cute, all pigmentless and eyeless and all. The three of us would go foraging for bat droppings together. I was so happy that my best friend and my boyfriend hit it off — I didn’t think anything of it when she’d suggest they do things together when I was busy. Well, you can guess the rest. I can’t believe I was so stupid! Now he’s my ex-boyfriend and Heather’s my ex-best friend. I am so depressed. Here’s a picture of us in happier times. Miss Phoney McPhoney is on the left.
more after the jump
posted by bcavefish at 1:46 am comments (0) trackback (0)

October 5, 2005
An appeal to J.K. Rowling
Come on, J.K. Rowling, and get a move on the last Harry Potter book already! Or put up that epilogue you’ve said you’ve already written — I only live about 5 years or so and what if I’m not alive when book seven comes out? I have to know what happens to Snape! Please! (By the way, that cave you described in The Half-Blood Prince was pretty cool.) So hurry up, lady! Just because you know what happens doesn’t mean the rest of us do!
more after the jump
posted by bcavefish at 6:07 pm comments (0) trackback (0)

October 2, 2005
Hola Amigos!
Welcome to my brand new blog, Dark Waters! Isn’t that a cool name? I live in the dark, deep, still waters of a cave and my thoughts and feelings are like still, dark, and deep waters that run deep, still, and dark. I’m going to share my dreams and hopes: I’m going to rant and rave about culture and art and history and philosophy and science and maybe even throw a little original poetry at ya. Just because I’m a blind teenage cavefish that lives in a cave doesn’t mean I don’t know stuff . . .
more after the jump
posted by bcavefish at 9:41 pm comments (0) trackback (0)

about me
Name: B. Cavefish, a.k.a. Astyanax fasciatus mexicanus
Home: Mexico
Sign: Pisces (duh!)
Love: Harry Potter, my pet catfish El Gordito, nutrient-rich bat droppings
Hate: Gollum, that slinker of a stinker of a blind cavefish eater. Oh, and all phonies and poseurs who think they’re all that (like Heather).

view my complete profile

e-mail me:
bcavefish@darkwaters.net

selected posts
I’m a teenage blind cavefish. Live with it!
I really, really hate Derek!
Ten reasons I hate my life
Eyes: Who needs ’em?!!
I really, really hate Gollum!
Ten cute things about my pet catfish
I really, really hate Heather!
Why I love Snape
Debunking spelunking
A poem: “I have no eyes and yet I see . . .”

archives
October 2005

Comments are owned by the person who posted them. All other content on this site is © 2005 B. Cavefish, and is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

This article appeared in the November/December 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

Hey, it’s my favorite TV commercial!

Things just weren’t right anymore. I didn’t want to admit I had a problem.

It was a hangnail. It hurt. And I didn’t know where to turn. I was going to use cuticle scissors, but sharp, shiny, pointy little things frightened me. I felt so ashamed.

Then I heard about Panacea®. With just seven turquoise-spotted chartreuse pills taken over a week, my hangnail was gone.

Panacea®. For hangnails. It works. If you give it enough time™.

Always consult your manicurist, Greek teacher, and/or legal guardian before taking Panacea®. Minor side effects may include tartar buildup, burgeoning earwax, and hair growth. Oily patches may develop on the face if soap is not used. An occasional funny taste has been reported by subjects who have placed Panacea® in their mouths.

Major side effects may include heart palpitations, a forceful exhalation of the lungs, the occasional yawn, and an uncontrollable urge to laugh at people speaking Esperanto. Do not use Panacea® if you are being treated for any of the following: the common cold, cold hands, hot hands, hot head, dry skin, fingernail biting, or cooties. If you suffer from hangnails, you should not take Panacea®. If Panacea® is taken daily for a century or more, death may result. Panacea®. For hangnails. It works. If you give it enough time™.

This article appeared in the October 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

The great pyramids of ancient Egypt remain a mystery almost 5000 years after they were constructed.They are the oldest of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, and the only ones that still survive. But what exactly inspired the Egyptians to build these massive monuments?

Boston University geologist Farouk El-Baz believes that ancient architects may have gotten the idea from conical hills that appear in Egypt’s Western Desert. According to El-Baz, the builders recognized how well a pyramid-shaped hill endured the desert’s destructive, eroding wind, by channeling it up the slope to drift away harmlessly at its peak. Since they wanted the pyramids to last, they built them in the same shape. And, says El-Baz, the Great Sphinx, too, may have been suggested by naturally occurring desert landforms, this time by wind-eroded rocks called yardangs, or “mud lions,” which, as his photos show, can look awfully sphinxlike.

So, did the desert really help design these icons of ancient Egypt? Not everyone agrees with El-Baz’s theory, but it sure beats the idea that the pyramids were designed by space aliens.

This article appeared in the October 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

Coming Soon to a Habitat Near You!

They Came! They Saw! They Conquered a Pristine Native Environment!

Alien Attack: Assignment Earth

Stripes, AKA Zebra Mussel. A Pipe-clogging Shellfish Monster!

Count Kudzu, AKA Darth Invader, AKA Kudzu. Uses the Dark Side to Strangle All Who Oppose Him!

Widdle Sweetums, AKA Cat. Adorable to Humans, Deadly to Songbirds!

Mr. Slithers, AKA Brown Tree Snake. Biodiversity Killed His Father, and He’s Out for Revenge!

Underminer, AKA Formosa Termite. Demolition Specialist: Destroys Trees, Buildings, and Phone and Power Lines!

Chattering Death, AKA Starling. Taking Over the World, One Nest at a Time!

Bluto, AKA Cane Toad. He Has a Dinner Reservation, and Earth Is on the Menu!

A full-frontal invasion of terror by air, sea, and land!

JERRY MUCKSLIMER AND ALBERT R. KOHLRABI PRESENT A SAPIENS FILM   “ALIEN ATTACK — ASSIGNMENT: EARTH”   STARRING FELIS CATUS   BUFO MARINUS   DREISSENA POLYMORPHA   STURNUS VULGARIS   AND   COPTOTERMES FORMOSANUS   WITH PUERARIA MONTANA VAR. LOBATA AS COUNT KUDZU   AND   BOIGA IRREGULARIS AS MR. SLITHERS   BASED ON INFORMATION FROM THE GLOBAL INVASIVE SPECIES DATABASE   WRITTEN BY AGNIESZKA BISKUP   ART BY TOM LABAFF   MUSIC BY THE STARLINGS   DIRECTED BY H. SAPIENS   PRODUCED BY RECKLESS DISREGARD AND LACK O. FORESIGHT

This article appeared in the September 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.

Food stylists usually try to make food look as delicious and appetizing as possible. So what’s up with the images seen here? Created by New York-based food stylist Nir Adar, you couldn’t exactly say they tempt the palate — well, O.K., if you like octopus, they do — but they have their own strange beauty. Adar, renowned in the industry for his genius in styling ice cream, is also an award-winning artist, and his preferred medium just happens to be food. He has a passion for its textures and colors. “Food is not just about taste,” he says. “I want to see food beyond nourishment, beyond the realm of the plate.”

Adar’s plateless food art has been shown in art exhibits around the world. Not counting the sculptures seen below, he’s squished fast food between plates of glass (“It’s an incredible feeling,” he says) and created multimedia installations showing oozing chocolate rivers and eggs breaking and re-forming. “Most parents say, don’t play with your food,” he laughs, “but that’s what I really do.” Not content with just changing how people see food, Adar is currently developing a top-secret fast-food product. He can’t reveal any details, but “it will change the way people eat,” he promises. As long as it doesn’t involve tentacles, we’re all for it.

Mackerel in orzo: A silvery mackerel appears to dive into a table, spraying a froth of tiny pasta.

Octopus on tomato: Inspired by Dante’s Inferno, a handlike octopus squeezes a luscious, heart-shaped tomato half. Who says the infernal regions don’t have good chefs?

Red snapper sculpture: This food sculpture took only 10 minutes to make. Unfortunately, the octopus-bewigged red snapper is no more — much of Adar’s art has a smell-by expiration date.

M&M ball: The first food ball Adar ever created, inspired by a colorful clump of crushed M&Ms seen on the floor of an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room. Unlike most of his food art, this piece still exists. “Processed food” is Adar’s explanation.

Octopus ball: Continuing the tentacle theme, Adar forms a perfect sphere of coiled octopus arms. (The secret is the Styrofoam ball inside.)

Fork ball: This coldly gleaming sculpture of 124 soldered forks took many hours to piece together. It may be hard to eat with, but it is dishwasher safe.

Shrimp ball: Though it may lack suckers and tentacles, the shrimp ball has its own shy, pink charm — the cute antennae make all the difference.

This article appeared in the September 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.