wonder drug

Hey, it’s my favorite TV commercial!

Things just weren’t right anymore. I didn’t want to admit I had a problem.

It was a hangnail. It hurt. And I didn’t know where to turn. I was going to use cuticle scissors, but sharp, shiny, pointy little things frightened me. I felt so ashamed.

Then I heard about Panacea®. With just seven turquoise-spotted chartreuse pills taken over a week, my hangnail was gone.

Panacea®. For hangnails. It works. If you give it enough time™.

Always consult your manicurist, Greek teacher, and/or legal guardian before taking Panacea®. Minor side effects may include tartar buildup, burgeoning earwax, and hair growth. Oily patches may develop on the face if soap is not used. An occasional funny taste has been reported by subjects who have placed Panacea® in their mouths.

Major side effects may include heart palpitations, a forceful exhalation of the lungs, the occasional yawn, and an uncontrollable urge to laugh at people speaking Esperanto. Do not use Panacea® if you are being treated for any of the following: the common cold, cold hands, hot hands, hot head, dry skin, fingernail biting, or cooties. If you suffer from hangnails, you should not take Panacea®. If Panacea® is taken daily for a century or more, death may result. Panacea®. For hangnails. It works. If you give it enough time™.

This article appeared in the October 2005 issue of the children’s science magazine Muse.
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